It's close to 7 months, and I thought I need not log into this blog account till 2012 comes. We can't seem to hide when circumstances got the better of the situation.

After all that has happened, is it really all my fault? I can't help but ponder and question. The words spoken from your lips rings in my head. It plays back the unhappiness that you've been feeling all these while. Somehow I see it, at the same time I don't. It seems to you that I'm always doing the wrong things, at the wrong time. Have I not changed enough then? I guess, for now, it's not to judge or bother about how others may be at fault and I'm not. I said to change in the previous post, but have I really? Or is it just something said but have yet to be done? Maybe I don't even listen to myself, then how do I start listening to others?

It's interesting how you've been close to the same person for a long period of time, being so dependent, behaving like a small girl who can't find her rag doll every time you get a minor injury, but then suddenly, it changed. All because of a minor issue that's said. Perhaps it shows how fragile it can be or how much they've challenged each others' limits. Sad to say, hurtful to see, heartbroken as I may be, I'm hoping that this can't possibly be the last of our journey. 

Staying neutral will really help. But I can't do shit when I'm such an emotional wreck. If emotions can be controlled by a remote, then you can't see how painful it can possibly get to me. Perhaps the crying and longing feeling will fade as time passes. You'd probably find someone else while I'm healing these scars, who knows? :'(

There's no time to ponder and waste, this shall be the end of my disgrace. I wish I may, I wish I might, be the changed girl you crave when the clock strikes.

My last post felt like centuries ago. I almost forgot that I have a blog with livejournal. So soon and it approaches to the last few weeks of what's left in 2010. Obstacles and memories passed right through me as I start to think back what I have achieved in 2010. I did achieve lots of things but done it quite lifelessly. Maybe it's time for a change. Maybe I should add feeling and live to what I do cause it all seems like a drag, until I got stuck. I got defeated. I disliked that feeling. Perhaps it has been sheer luck for me to scrape through this far but the bottom line is, I got defeated in my own hands. I tell myself that I need to do this and that but I lacked the motivation and support I needed. Change has got to be implemented. I just hope that I'm able to rough it out with what I told myself to remember and be a better person in the outcome. Reminding myself that in this ugly society, we only have ourselves to trust and work hard to strive towards it. Procrastination is my biggest enemy. I gotta find a way to cut off that habit.

It's 2.41am and negative thoughts ponder through my brain cells, creeping up with my emotions and illustrations. I feel like a ton in my heart and my body. Somehow, this sadness is eating me up like I've a burden of problems and it's weighing me down. Maybe I'm too scared to face it, I'm a clown with a smiling face make up on and people have come to pay and see me entertain. Look beneath the cover and you realize that; I'm not broke, I'm just a broken-hearted girl.

i feel the need to buy new clothes!

i feel like i dont have clothes. ):
new dresses, shoes, heels!


but i have no money, cause i'm still freaking jobless! where's my part-time job yaw? please fall down from the sky. i'm so fucking desperate for moneyyyyyyy.

i feel dragged, tired and even lost. i guess a lot is in my mind and somehow or another, it makes me unhappy with what i have to do and suppose to do.

fyi, your practical joke weren't put out as funny, but rather hurtful. i lied that i wasn't angry. i just didn't wanna quarrel with you. it's irritating to be unhappy in most of the days. but i just don't understand why do you have to joke with me that way. and your 'reasons' for doing so, is really lame. AND, the best part of it all, you angle your point of argument, that makes it out to be my fault. how the fuck is that fair to me? you make it seem like you're doing a lot for me. somehow, i don't feel so. half my heart wants to get out of this. my heart aches whenever i think about this. no doubt, there are happy moments that i wish to relive over and over.... i guess we didn't have a honeymoon period. it's the happy moments that i need to treasure whenever i can...